Change of Pace

It has been exactly 1 month and 10 days since I quit science.

I miss it and then I don't.

I lived and breathed science for the past 10+ years, it is only normal that I feel a twinge of loss and longing for those comfortable conversations of  protein pathways and recalcitrant cancer stem cells right?

Otherwise, I think I'm doing just fine now as an office person, with her own office, doing her own work, and hopefully one day get a higher degree and move on with life.

The first quarter of this year has been challenging to say the least. Good and bad.  I discovered who people really are, people I thought to be friends weren't friends, and people I thought to be mere acquaintances turned out to be really supportive friends.  W and I hit our one year mark, and aside from celebrating a great year together we are starting to realize that in order for us to go further in the long run, there are a lot more things we need to work through.  Relationships are hard work.  I am also starting to set boundaries for me when conversing and dealing with my parents. They, naturally, are pushing back...but I'm attempting to stand firm and learning how much I am willing to give and how much I'm not willing to give.

Eating and exercise for me during this time has pretty much fallen to crap.  Definitely something that needs to picked up again.  Now that I have found a new equilibrium in life and goals mentally, I need myself to match up physically again.

Hopefully with this change of pace, I will begin recording my thoughts again.  Despite having only like 2 readers, I do miss you little blog. Here is to making this year count!

Cranky

I've been quite cranky lately due to that time of the month closing in.

This morning, the cranky and grumpy meter was dialed all the way to high, closing in on danger explosion level.  Whilst glaring at all the inanimate objects in sight, I saw some chocolate; next thing I knew, I was opening the wrappers.

Two bites in.....OMMG HOW COME I NEVER LIKED CHOCOLATE BEFORE??????? THIS IS AMAZING CRACK!!!.....

Now I'm much better.


The end.

Sparkle

There was a thunderstorm here last night.  Today, everything in view looks so clean and sparkly.  It is as if the rain gave the world a giant shower to rinse away the layer of dust that has been slowly accumulating over the past few months.  The temperature is moderate; slight breeze, and comfortable enough that one doesn't need a jacket.

These are the moments in which I fall in love with this city all over again...when I fall victim to rutts and firmly believe that the city no longer has anything more to offer me.

I'm currently sitting at Peet's; alone and musing.  I've recently had a discovery and insight in regards to W. and my relationship.  I don't think the relationship we have is filled with constant heart accelerations accompanied by butterflies in my stomach doing a chaotic cha cha.  It often feels more as if a steady stream gently trickling along; a few rough patches here and there, sprinkled with little moments that take my breath away.

However, there are moments in which I wonder if our relationship is what I am looking for.  Is there something missing?  Is there something more that I should be seeking?  Am I suppose to be content and happy so early on in a relationship?  I don't think any books I've read or social media that I'm exposed to, mentioned any of this.  Is this NORMAL?

Then from another perspective, I just want to smack my head upside down and inside out.  Why couldn't and shouldn't love be simple, and steady? A constant?  Just because it doesn't have the advertised tons of passion, sex, drama, and bouts of intense longing doesn't make it any less real.  This realization is slightly alarming.  How is it that something that should be normal isn't, and the outliers portrayed by the media and the society around us is perceived as the norm?

If I am thinking this way in regards of love, what other aspects of life have I been influenced by society and social media?  Work?  School?  Life?  Friendship?

Hmmm, I will definitely need to do some more thinking in regards to these matters.  Perhaps this will teach me to think outside of the box and no longer be confined to other people's seemingly definite definitions of what things should be.

The level up from limbo

For a long while, I was in a state of falling then somehow I dropped into a state of limbo, bobbed around, and now I find myself in a land of not quite limbo, yet not quite productive.

I have about 5 weeks left to study for this next test of mine and pass a test that will be crucial in the next  step in life I would like to take, so currently my life is filled with re-learning math lingo, and re-learning to test.  It is scary to have to put everything down and focus all my energy on this test.  Thoughts of what if's keep running through my head and my only defense is that I try to tone down that distracting volume of thoughts and focus on what is ahead of me. 

Regardless with all the wonky emotions I have, I'm quite satisfied with my current situation, and happy with what is on my plate at the moment.  Sure, there are quite a few things that could be better, but then again, things can be much much worse.

In times like these, I have to remember to realize that I am loved, I have the potential, I just need to work out the process and give it all that I have such that there won't be any regrets.

Cliff Jumping

At the moment, things are a bit stagnant.  I'm coming down from a big high, and I'm finding myself a bit antsy.  This past Sunday, I finished my running goals of 2012.

Running Goals for 2012

·      Run Carlsbad Half Marathon (Jan 22)

·      Run a Warrior Dash (Mar 31)

·      Run La Jolla Half Marathon (Apr 29)

·      Run AFC Half Marathon (Aug 19)

·      Get Triple Crown 2012 medal

·      Volunteer at SD Rock n Roll Marathon

I'm proud, and quite tickled that I actually finished what I listed above (and an 10k) all in one calendar year!  However, just thinking about what lays ahead scares the bezeheesus out of me.  

Quitting one's job while living off on savings in this financial environment literally feels like jumping off a cliff.  Only this time, there is no idea when or where impact with the bottom will occur; or somehow miraculously, one will gain a pair of wings mid fall.  So far, the fall is still on going.  I feel like I might as well embrace it and not struggle too much, perhaps that will give me enough thinking space to actually figure something out.

Perhaps...if I can stop flailing long enough.

As the Heart Is

On the life front:

These past couple months have been a roller coaster of events and emotions.  In January, I made up my mind to finally quit my job and move home to study for the GMAT at the end of August.  No job, no income, leave my friends and life here in SD, go home and study.  Simple no?

Alas, things in life are never easy and never go as planned.  Little did I know, March came and brought along a boy (W.) that would steal my heart away and be almost* everything I wished for in a boyfriend.

I knew I was doomed when April, May, and June passed and the more we felt like friends and lovers that have known each other for most of our lives, and yet, just met.  Late June, and early July, we went on a 20+hour road trip to visit his friends and family, and came back with a much deeper appreciation for one another.

Crap. Was the only thought going through my head when in mid July, I was watching August fast approaching on the horizon, knowing that I had to make a decision fast and soon about leaving San Diego.  From the beginning, my parents haven't really approved of this relationship - why?  Because he was of another ethnicity than I was.  I saw a side of my parents that I never thought (believed) they had - racist.  They admit it and are reluctant to budge.  Even the thought of wanting to introduce the boy to the family was met with rejection and disdain.  Sigh.  Keeping this reaction of my parents in mind, I knew there would be no way I'd be able to move home and continue this relationship**.

After quite a few sleepless nights, I decided to still quit my current job, but stay in San Diego for the time being and study here instead.  Yes, I'd be living off of my savings for a few months, but that is a small price to pay for independence and the freedom to see where this relationship would go.  And perhaps, in the mean time, find another job that is slightly less demanding and would allow me an opportunity to be able to enjoy life and prepare myself for the next stage of life.  I can't stay a lab tech forever!

I gave a month's notice last Friday.  My boss was surprisingly supportive and told me that I should go home and think again of my options; she was willing to let me work part time if it came to it.  I told her I would meet again with her in a week and give her my answer.


On the running front:

Oh gawds, the last time I ran was when I was visiting W.'s family in early July.  Since then due to family drama, tired of running, and the stress of making all these big life decisions I have been completely out of commission on the running front.

I have a half marathon coming up in 12 days, with a time limit of 3 hours.  Fudge.   I finally dragged my sorry butt out for a 1 miler since I wasn't quite sure how far I'd be able to make - 11:24 was my time.  Not too shabby I suppose for a month+ hiatus.  Tomorrow, I will be trying for 2 miles.  Wish me luck!


On blogging front:

I will definitely start to update more, now that big things have died down a bit I will be gearing up for studying mode - any type of procrastination is welcomed, right?  Oh dear.





*He is mostly perfect, however still gotta work on a couple things no?  Life is good, but it ain't THAT GOOD.  ;)

**I hope in time, they will eventually accept and see him for him, and not his skin color or heritage background if this relationship does progress in the direction that both W. and I want to see it go.

I Would Run to You

Okay, that was way too cute.

*smiles*